when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
