At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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