I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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