Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
