I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
