Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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