she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
