hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
