I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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