new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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