You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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