perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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