More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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