I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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