The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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