I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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