dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
