If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize