Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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