A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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