God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
