So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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