the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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