Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
