It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
