News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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