it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
