I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
