Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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