I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
