Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Vodka?
Forever.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
