Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
