She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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