Don't make out with my wife yet
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize