After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize