i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
