FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
