Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
