Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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