my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Boobs speak an international language.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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