Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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