Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
