Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
