A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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