So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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