Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My pussy is not your playground.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
