He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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