You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
