so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
