My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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