I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
