While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
