can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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