I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
