Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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