I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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