and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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