Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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