Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
