I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
