Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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