I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
