when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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